How to talk to your family about politics on Thanksgiving
Editorial, Satire November 16, 2018, Comments Off 135The following is satire in which all statements, thoughts or opinions belong solely to the author and do not represent those of The Drury Mirror.
So the midterms happened. Who won? Who lost? I don’t know. Depends on who you talk to. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter because either way, no one will be happy. No matter which of the two opinions your extended family has, there will be tension at Thanksgiving. Here is a comprehensive list of things to say, or not to say, this holiday.
| Instead of saying… | Say… |
| Something controversial. | How ‘bout that bingo bill? |
| A fact. | An opinion as though it is fact. |
| I voted third party. | I voted with my heart. |
| I wrote in Lumpy Space Princess from “Adventure Time.” | I felt it was time for a change. |
| Don’t you think it’s cruel to eat living things? | I’m not very hungry for anything but bread. |
| I’m glad/upset medical marijuana is legal. | Literally anything else. |
| Trump stinks. | I’m sorry I voted for “Harambe” in 2016. |
| Doesn’t voting reinforce the “us vs. them” mentality and promote further division in our already deeply divided nation? | Of course I voted! *Make sure you are wearing a stolen “I voted” sticker.* |
| I don’t want to watch football. | Have you heard of “Queer Eye,” grandpa? |
| Something insightful. | Ted Cruz ate my son. |
| I discovered my true sexuality one drunken evening with a person of the same sex. | I’m just not ready for marriage yet, Aunt Margaret. |
| Actually, my pronouns are… | Yes? |
| Yeah, therapy has really helped! | I’m fine *while crying into your tenth slice of pumpkin pie.* |
| You’re wrong. | That’s fair. I hadn’t thought of it like that. |
| Raising the minimum wage will result in fewer small businesses, canceling out the effect. | I guess we’ll have more money now, hahaha. |
| Something that challenges their beliefs. | Something that confirms their bias. |
| Ur mom gay. | No, u. |
| I don’t know that I believe in God anymore. | I’d love to go to church Sunday! *Leave Saturday* |
Article by Jacob Maher and Emily Schulze.
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