Satire by Cale Harper

In response to recent criticism that he is the only president in modern history not to own an animal companion, Donald Trump has recently adopted a new White House pet: former New Jersey governor Chris Christie.

President Trump, who is notoriously not fond of dogs, reportedly enjoys his lovable new friend. Christie is a rescue, found astray hiding under a closed-down bridge in New Jersey. Today, he lives a pampered life in the White House, cozied up to the president and clearly well-fed.

Sources in the West Wing confirm that Christie is a well-behaved cutie that obeys every command from his master. Trump has even taught him some new tricks: He can shake hands and speaks only when instructed by Trump. Christie will even roll over for the president. Eleven-year-old Barron Trump hopes to have him potty trained in the coming weeks.

Though the White House lawn is entirely fenced-in, Trump still keeps Christie on a short leash. Presidential pets have included elephants, ponies, and raccoons, but Chris Christie will serve as Donald Trump’s new White House pet.