For this edition of The Mirror, I was tasked to watch all twelve (yes, twelve) Friday the 13th movies.  I made it through four.  I borrowed two of them and still wanted my money back at the end of them.  The fourth has the subtitle “The Final Chapter,” so let’s just collectively pretend that they end there.

The reader might be questioning the validity of harshly criticizing a franchise which turns 40 in a year.  Nobody will watch or not watch the films or change their opinions on the franchise because I express my own.  So why bother?

The quadrilogy is an absolute slog to get through.  The most difficult thing about reviewing them is finding enough ways to say “they’re bad” to fill a 500 word article.  The original is simply a low-budget slasher riding off the success of John Carpenter’s Halloween which premiered 2 years prior.

And its low budget really shows.  So much of the film is watching uninteresting characters wander around aimlessly.  There is no tension in the sequences. That is because it is lazily filmed, mostly in point-of-view (POV) shots.

Moreover, the lack of compassion or empathy the viewers have for the characters leaves them with no emotion when or if they die.  Indeed, their only purpose is to die (or, in one case, to be filmed in the nude). The kill of Kevin Bacon is fun, but not nearly good enough to support the hour and a half long slog.

The rest go by in a similar fashion.  The low budget and fast turn around once Paramount realized this was a successful franchise means the scripts are bad and the cinematography is ugly, leaving very little to be enjoyed.  With the exception of some fun nudity in 2 and 4 and some hilariously over the top kills in 2 and 3, there is no joy to be found in any of these overlong exploitative movies.

The best thing the franchise offers is a good old fashioned drinking game, to be played with water if you are under age or off campus if you’re above.  Take a drink when: 1. There’s a POV shot.  2. Two characters have sex.  3. Someone goes skinny-dipping.  4. A male character’s aggressive sexuality has aged poorly.  5. The brutal murder of the innocent or at least undeserving makes you laugh.  6. You think “I’m bored.”

All in all, just watch A Nightmare on Elm Street instead.

Written by Jacob Maher.