The following is satire in which all statements, thoughts or opinions belong solely to the author and do not represent those of The Drury Mirror.

An advertisement from a razor company argues for men to: not bully, treat women respectfully, and not punch one another in the face. This made many people angry.

And truthfully, this video made me angry. How can someone with influence over a large number of people have the audacity to tell me to be a decent human being? I was born white and male; it is my right to mistreat and abuse everyone else. Thank god I’m not gay or else I might be expected to be a satisfactory human being.

Where does Gillette get off? And where does it end? Soon they’ll be expecting men to hold doors open for women. Or stick around when we impregnate them. Or not hit our wives when we’re angry.  It’s a slippery slope, and one I am not comfortable going down.

And the precedent this ad sets is beyond scary. What if other companies start expecting us to be decent? What if bars won’t let us drive after consuming hard liquor? Or restaurants won’t let us smoke cigarettes around infants? Or the supreme court stops letting athletes rape without punishment? I don’t want to live in a world where I’m politely asked not to meet these basic needs.

Gillette: shame on you. I will no longer be using your razor blades. My face shall forever be patchy and ungratifying to the senses. I will purchase your entire stock and destroy them so that you cannot be used for smooth skin again.

No one will ever again go to ondemand.gillette.com and order the Sensor 3 disposable razor, the most economic option Gillette offers which comes with eight blades for when the first ones become dull. No one will scrape their face with the Mach 3, which includes a free handle with their first purchase. No one will again use the Fusion Proshield, which uses five razor blades while moisturizing your skin for a great shave that leaves your skin silky and kissable for a low, fair price. Yes, with one piece I have destroyed your company, Gillette. Think again before you ask me to act with dignity.

So I will continue to beat children at barbecues. I will continue to creep out attractive women on the streets. I will continue to encourage boys to bully one another. What I will NOT continue to do is date women with shaved underarms, because I frankly cannot trust that she’s not using Gillette to do so.

Article by Jacob Maher.