Article by Cale Harper

A new evil threatens the world. What could it be? A storm? A plague? A super-weapon? With every passing moment, its power grows. It draws nearer. Demands attention. On the horizon, it begins to materialize. It rears its chubby face and giggles with menace. A man? Not quite. A baby? No. A bowl of oatmeal? Perhaps. It is stronger than ever. It clutches world leaders in its fist. The oatmeal man-baby shouts his name for the world to hear: Kim Jong Un.

Since his rise to Supreme Leader in 2011, Kim Jong Un has dictated North Korea with an iron fist, trampling all who oppose him. His people suffer poverty while he enjoys luxury. He lives a lavish lifestyle in a palace while forty percent of the population live below the poverty line. “Lil Kim” weighs nearly three hundred pounds while one third of the county’s children suffer malnutrition. And the icing on the cake (which he is sure to eat), is the incessant missile testing to taunt the United States. Those threats, however, are not taken lightly, and America will prove herself superior to the broken nation. We must never take for granted our beloved leadership, who fight these oppressive ideologies.

Imagine the horror if America herself were ruled by a manipulative, selfish, dishonest tyrant. Each morning you would wake up to state controlled news like The Pyongyang Times – every story carefully crafted to praise its leader. News outlets that cooperate would thrive, but sources that challenged the president would instantly be labeled “fake news”. In press conferences, reporters’ questions would be dodged or ignored altogether. Top communicators might even hide in the foliage. Journalists would be forced to sift through state-crafted alternative facts to discover the truth. After time, Americans would sink in the swirling cesspool of spin and deception. But we are protected from such injustice by our first amendment right to free press. We are fortunate to have been spared a temperamental leader with a fragile ego.

Let us also appreciate the cooperation in our executive branch. In North Korea, Kimmy has no respect for his cabinet members. Five of his most closely trusted aides falsified intelligence reports, and were blasted with anti-aircraft guns. What if the same were true in the White House? American officials would have no idea who is next on their leader’s chopping block. Grace periods would not exist. The administration may only be guaranteed ten days to serve their country. Cabinet members might not even last as long as a gallon of milk. If staffers were fired, they might not even hear the news from their boss, but from a report on network television – forcing them out without even their dignity. Kim Jong Un has eliminated an unholy amount of cabinet members, but our leader has only exorcised thirteen is his quest for a righteous cabinet.

Our enlightened homeland is devoted to welcoming religious diversity with open arms. Meanwhile, in North Korea, Kimberly ostracizes and persecutes any religion affiliated with western ideas – especially Christianity. There, Christians must hide their faith carefully. If the supreme leader finds them out, he will go to extremes to scrub the nation clean of their influence. The Christian faith, Kim Jong Un would argue, is a slippery slope to violence and insurrection. Just take the Christian terrorist in Charlottesville, Virginia, for example, who ran a woman down with his car and killed her. Of course, these arguments are barbaric to us sophisticated westerners. Our constitution explicitly states that all religious beliefs are equal in the eyes of the government, and that those with differing beliefs should learn to love one another. Religious liberty is so treasured in the United States that most are terrified to lose it. But have no fear. No government objects to religious profiling like the United States. If that were not so, Eastern faiths like Islam might be targeted. Muslims could dragged off to state prisons to be interrogated and tortured. They may even be banned from entering our country altogether. Alas, we are blessed to live in America – the champion of religious equality. This compassion serves as a true example of Christian love – the same kind of love that has been demonized by North Korea. There is no greater form of disrespect than for a government to spit on beliefs held sacred to so many.

It isn’t just a stark contrast in policy that separate North Korea and the United States, it is also a fundamental difference in the personal attributes of our leaders. Kim Jong Un practically forced his way into power with his family’s enormous wealth. He governs a state officially known as the “Democratic People’s Republic of Korea” though democracy and republicanism are thrown out the window. Elections are rigged in the favor of certain candidates. Ultimately, a cruel despot is forced on the helpless people of North Korea. Fortunately, we have safeguarded ourselves from such a tragedy with our innovative electoral process. Presidential candidates themselves are everyday Americans. If they weren’t, they would constantly be on television shows or flying around on private jets, kissing hands and shaking babies until they retired for the evening at a hotel with their name on it. In the end, whoever hurled the most insults and bought the most votes would win. However, on election day in America, the humble candidate that wins the popular vote on good policy and good character (after review from the electoral college) wins the presidency. Our leaders have always been chosen by an honest majority vote: a true democratic republic.

Now that we have fairly elected a champion to face off with this new evil, our country has gone to battle. Rumors of Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile testing in North Korea have been confirmed, and the dictatorship has taunted the United States with claims that those missiles could reach from California to New York. But mad scientist Kimmy Neutron will face his eminent demise if he challenges the United States. The dictator claims to have an enormous missile, but our president guarantees that his missile is huge. To end this cold war, all these leaders have to do is whip out their missiles and see whose is bigger. Our president may have tiny hands, but Americans can sleep soundly knowing that he is well endowed with a massive missile – and he’s not afraid to use it. It takes two to tango, but Lady Liberty will dance to her own beat. And that beat isn’t “Gangnam Style”.

Satire is an original work by the author and does not represent the views of The Mirror as a whole